Are We Abandoning Our Kids By Over-Programming Them?

This is a blurb from this blog post on The White Horse Inn.  It details some things of import to parents, and notes some bad parenting skill of which I have been guilty in the past.  It is a very interesting read. I think more parents are becoming aware of this problem, though not many of us have a lot of great ideas about how to fix it yet.  Most of us roll with the punches, learning as we go.

One thing I will say: God is sovereign even in this learning process.  While we may not want to repeat some of the mistakes we've made, we also feel grateful to have had the experiences and been able to learn from them.  Perhaps it will work out like many things did in our own (parents) lives- they'll make sure they don't make the same mistakes we (their parents) made, just like we made sure we didn't make the same mistakes our parents made.  In the process, we learn a whole new set of mistakes to make.  How's that for irony?  Anyway, here's the blurb.  Read the whole thing at the link above.

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Chap Clark, in his book Hurt, affirms this trend but chooses to use the term “the abandoned child.” He writes, “We have evolved to the point where we believe driving is support, being active is love, and providing any and every opportunity is selfless nurture … Even with the best of intentions, the way we raise, train, and even parent our children today exhibits attitudes and behaviors that are simply subtle forms of parental abandonment.“[1]

Certainly people can evaluate accurately this issue from various angles (psychology, sociology, education, etc.). From a theological position, this parenting style reflects the natural result of life lived intensely under the law. When I mention law in this context, I do not refer to the moral code but to a pattern of life focused on living up to standards through personal performance and effort. A standard of false righteousness- child competence – exists in the culture, and adults employ whatever necessary means (math tutors, batting coaches, personal trainers, academic camps, intense schedules, etc.) to maximize their child’s performance that they may satisfy the expectations.

Researchers have committed much study to the trend of abandonment in teen culture.  The literature has identified an intense sense of disconnection and isolation among teens in their family and community systems.  While researchers consider high-rates of divorce and general family dysfunction as contributing factors, the primary variable among teens with symptoms of abandonment is over-programming and performance-based lifestyles.

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[1] Chap Clark, Hurt (Grand Rapids: Baker Academic, 2004), 46-47.

Proud of Those Boys

Proud Dad alert:  My 16-year-old twins, along with one of their friends, coached my 12-year-old's city league basketball team this year.  On Saturday, they won the championship, beating the Orange Team 36-12. 

This was an impressive little team.  They could play defense like no other 6th-7th grade non-school team I've ever seen.  By chance or by plan, this team was a perfect storm defensively.  Quick guards, smart forwards who understand how to play help defense, the boys' ability to play either a zone or man defense, and play both in either a half-court set or a full-court press, and a really tall kid (a 6'2" sixth grader) to play safety were the ingredients.  Look at the halftime score in this photo-

They finished with an 8-1 record, with the only loss coming when our leading scorer was absent.  My wife and I have coached Ryan's teams for the past few years, but decided this year to turn it over to the big brothers, as all were in favor (Ryan says he has the best coaches EVER this season!) and Jennifer and I thought the older boys needed a 'growth opportunity'.  Funny, I've only won a single championship in all my years of coaching basketball, and the boys win one their first try.  Good on them.  (They've got some work to do to catch me in baseball championships, though!)

Here are the team members:
#1    Kyler Strain, F
#2    Nick Lowry, G
#3    Bobby Williams, G
#4    Greg Garrison, F
#5    Hayden Willeford, G
#11  Michael Truitt, C
#12  Ryan Boren, F
#13  Tommy Williams, F

The coaches are Tyler Stary, and my sons Will Boren and Brice Boren.  (Will isn't in the bottom photo because he had to leave for a HS baseball game.  He's in the purple jacket in the middle photo. Brice is in the blue shirt and Tyler in the grey shirt.)

Good job, boys!!  Very proud!!

Loyalty

Here's real loyalty- this is my 12-y-o daughter, Callie, being loyal to her Cardinals, amidst all the Rangers fans here in Texas.

HT: Coach Land for the photo!

The Christian and Education (Homeschool, Private School, or Public School?)

Tim Challies has written this post about homeschooling versus public schooling, and of course the post elicited quite a few responses, including some nasty ones.  A lot has been written on the subject of how Christians should see to the education of their children, and much of it has been polemic.

I think the solution to the problematic question is rather simple.  It goes something like this- if you raise your kids with mostly biblical imperatives and few biblical indicatives (in other words, with mostly the law and little of the gospel), sending them to a public school would be a very bad idea.  If you raise them focused on the gospel (the indicatives), not sending them to public school would be a very sinful idea.

I understand there will be exceptions based on locale.  Our own kids have attended both private Christian schools and public schools.  When they were in second grade in Rio Rancho, NM, and the secretary's lesbian partner came to the office and sat in her lap while they made out, we decided that private school might be important in that locale.  When we lived outside St. Louis, MO and here in Canyon, TX, the public schools have worked fine.  So in general, I think kids raised on the indicatives of the gospel will approach their secular world (still as sinners, of course) with the right attitude of being witnesses of their Lord and savior first rather than serving themselves.  Of course there will be mistakes.  But learning to live in a secular world will be fraught with mistakes no matter which direction you choose for them, and this way (living in light of the indicatives of the gospel) will give them a much better path and foundation to choose what is right based on what's in their heart rather than because it's the cultural thing to do.

 There's a spectrum somewhere between the tiger mom and the dad in, 'A Boy Named Sue' where raising kids works best.  But I don't think it's a narrow line nor hard to find.  I do think we are all prone to extremes one way or the other, however, and that's what makes raising them difficult.

Baseball Season Rolls In!

I'm headed out in a few minutes to take my 11-year-old to tryouts for the local city baseball league.  I also just found out last week I'm coaching my older boys' team in the 13-15 year-olds.  This will be my 11th season as a youth baseball coach, and every year I coach I learn just enough more to realize how much I don't know.

But I love baseball season!

Go Cards!!

Freshmen Boys Smell Funny

We have 30 high school freshmen boys staying at our house this weekend for our church's youth weekend called Impact.

They've had some great bible study, heard some great preaching from Grant Hickman, and completed a service project today at a halfway house in Amarillo.  But perhaps the biggest impact they've made is on the smell in our house.  I don't have any idea how we'll get it out.  It's a combination of mildew and dirty socks...not a pleasant smell.  But I suppose it's all worth it!

Blogcation Almost Over

Well, I still have a week to go on my vacation, but I think the blogcation needs to be over...maybe tomorrow.

I'm supposed to take my two 15-year-old sons deer hunting this weekend.  We drew two (hard to get) youth tags for the Gene Howe Wildlife Management area over near Canadian, TX, for New Year's weekend.  There's a big storm over the west coast now...the track it takes will determine if we hunt in nice 50-degree weather, windy, cold 20-degree weather, or if we get snowed out in a big blizzard.  Right now, it appears to be tracking north, which will mean cold and windy, but at least we'll get in the field.  Hopefully.

School Starts In The Morning!

Big day tomorrow...the new school year starts up.  My oldest two are going in to their freshman year of high school...hard to believe.  My youngest starts 5th grade, so I don't have any kids in elementary school any more.

Hard to say which is more intense...knowing that I'm getting old much faster than I care to, or being excited about seeing my kids growing up so quickly and doing so well at it.

The fun part of the deal is the new car.  We went and picked up our new Chevy Suburban on Saturday.  Our old one has almost 200,000 miles and is over 7 years old.  Since we'll be driving all over the Texas panhandle to ball games for the next seven years, we thought now would be a good time.  Those things may seem expensive, but if you get eight years out of one, that is pretty cheap driving.

My Kid is in the World Series

OK, so it's not the big leagues, but my oldest, Will, is pitching in the USSSA AAA World Series this week in Dallas. I'm excited, nervous, and proud all at the same time.

He is 6' tall, has size 15 feet, and an 80-mph fastball, and he's a lefty. On top of that, he's only 14 years old. If that arm holds out, he might be a better investment than my 401K (especially with Obamanomics around).

Of course, his twin brother, Brice, who scored in the mid 20s on the ACT test as a 7th grader, might do even better (you remember the old joke about Michael Jordan and Bill Gates, right?).

OK, I'll quit braggin' on my kids.